Angels on Loan from Heaven

I have been not-so-skillfully surfing the rough seas of depression these past weeks. The loss of my very best friend (for some reason that remains unexplained) has really put me off my game and cut into my heart. My moods swing between anger/hatred for how he is hurting me and acceptance/grief for the loss I feel. If you have someone… be sure to remember how lucky you are to have them.

I guess it’s not easy to be the friend of someone with HIV/AIDS. Some days I can hardly blame my best friend for abandoning me. He is healthy. He has many friends and dealing with them is fun, not painful. He has a new lady-friend who is not comfortable with me or my illness so I guess it was inevitable that he would move on. I cannot describe how much I miss him. Having someone to call when you are lonely or someone to hang out with, to laugh with, to cry with… is so important.

There is one speck of light in my life… his name is Charlie… he is my own personal angel.

I have had many dogs over the years. My step-dad is a successful veterinarian so I have enjoyed the benefits of caring for animals my whole life, but Charlie is special because he was just a wee puppy when I was diagnosed and he was the only pet I was able to keep when I came home from the hospital. For four months he was the sole reason I had to get up and move around. Today he is my sunshine and usually the only one who even tries to bring a smile to my face.

Charlie has Alopecia X, a mysterious loss of hair fairly common among pure bred Pomeranians. Currently there is no known cause or cure (hence the “X”). When he was an adolescent he lost the hair on his chest and belly… exposing his cute black nipples… since boy-dogs don’t need them, they’re perfectly flush and look like they’ve been drawn on with a Sharpie. I started him on medication for a thyroid imbalance and the hair on his chest finally returned but this year he has lost much of the hair around his neck and back and all of the hair from his fanny so from the rear he resembles a baboon wearing furry boots. He doesn’t seem to mind the cosmetic imperfection and I think he's perfect anyway.

In my travels around the web and various blogs very much like mine… created for the sole purpose of flushing negative thoughts in the hope of helping others as well as ourselves… I find that pets seem to be foremost in the maintenance of our sanity and a common thread we all share, the desire to care for someone. Having that unconditional love is magical beyond description. I thank the universe every day for lending me the angel I named Charlie. I can’t imagine a life without him. He is truly my very best friend now.

Hopefully I’ll find a way to force myself out and eventually make a new friend, maybe. I have a tendency to isolate myself. I haven’t been able to figure out why and my motivation toward changing it is just not there yet.
Trusting someone again may not come easily.

I will try to post more photos etc. since they add more visual effect.
Great weather today and this weekend, I'm going to try to get outdoors, that always seems to improve my mood.

Happy Easter Everyone!
Love Betsy

Numbers... A Necessary Evil

So here it is the 4th of April. I've had my appointment for months, did my blood draw two weeks ago and had planned the half-hour drive to my doctors office for lunchtime to minimize my time away from work and still they are going to ask me to reschedule my appointment because of our company-wide inventory and the bank auditors' visit today.
It's as if I do something so important here that they cannot manage a simple audit for an hour while I keep my Dr's appointment. Pathetic. Worse still, the boys upstairs couldn't be bothered to discuss this with me personally, they had to hassle my supervisor to call me at home last night to tell me they want me here for the bank today. All I can do is call my doctor and ask if I can show up a little late.

Later:
Well I made it through the audit with the bank and even to the doctor with time to spare. Numbers on inventory were good... very little discrepancy and it went as smoothly as it could have. Best of all... it's finally over and we can get back to work.


My own numbers are less encouraging. I have only 129 CD4 cells but my viral load is still undetectable and I feel pretty good. My doctor is less than thrilled with my weight loss efforts, but at least I haven't gained anything back. He is still unhappy with my cholesterol numbers but I am not as concerned as he is... no history of heart problems in my family and I think one of my ARV's causes my bad cholesterol to go up. He danced around the idea of swapping my Niaspan for a statin-medication but said he might have to switch one of my AIDS drugs to avoid any interaction. I told him I'd rather give the Niaspan a little more time. So next blood draw, I'll be ready to starve for a day, have a shot of wine the day before and hope the numbers improve.


Tomorrow I'll finally make the long-overdue-appointment for my Mammogram.


Till the next time,
Love, Betsy

Time for Labs again...

Ok, so it’s time for numbers again. I’m seeing my HIV doctor on the 4th of April so tomorrow I have to fast and have my blood drawn. I’m going to fast because I need my cholesterol number to look better so he won’t harp on me about it. Not that I mind, I just hate having to make excuses and look like I’m not working on it. I am working on it. I know I’m overweight… I have been all my life and even after my bout with PCP and my coma… the weight came back really easily. I’m not sure who is responsible for how this works but I think it’s only fair that we should be able to lose fat as easily as we put it on, don’t you? I mean, don’t we have enough to contend with in our daily lives without having to worry over our weight?

Anyway, I’m hoping that my CD4 count is higher than 131 and that my viral load has remained undetectable. I’ve been working pretty hard lately and am kind of surprised that my health has been as good as it has. With a CD4 count of less than 200, I would expect that getting sick would be kind of a given. Having no immune system to speak of has made me more careful about washing and coming into contact with others who are sick. Considering my job and the environment that I work every day in, this is no small feat. I am constantly handling filthy equipment and am in almost constant contact with several dozen people who come to work ill because they have no paid sick leave left. Personally I think three days of sick leave a year is far from adequate for even the healthiest of folks.

I’ll be sure to post my numbers here when I get them. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

Have a great week.

Love,

Betsy

Three People

The way I see it, there are three people who you must love and forgive, no matter what. This is not to say that you allow yourself to be hurt by them, but only that you forgive and love them unconditionally, no matter what their choices. It is essential to your continued good karma and peace of mind to never harbor ill feelings or intent toward these people.

The first is your parent. Your mother or father, step or foster. Hating or resenting a parent will only bring pain to your life and to the lives of those around you. You may hate what they did, what they do, how they act or who they are… but you must forgive and love them nonetheless because they are the only people who must also love you unconditionally. They must be there for you, no matter what your decisions are.

The second is your child; for all the reasons stated above.

The last is the only one you choose for yourself. It is the person you create a child with. You may fall out of love with them. They may cheat, break your heart and leave you destroyed. But because of the relationship your beloved child needs to maintain with them, you must look beyond yourself and understand that nothing good can come of your resentment for them. Forgiveness and acceptance is the only thing that can finally set you free. You will be able to be a better parent to your child and a better friend to those you truly value. Most important, you will never have to feel so hurt because of that person again. No one should think it's easy to do… but that is all the more reason to look carefully at the person you decide to have children with. That is a person that you must always love and respect for the sake of your child. A child must face united parents in order to grow up well-adjusted, emotionally healthy and able to parent a child him/herself. Parents need not be in love with each other, but they must recognize and share a united love for their child that transcends all things.

All others who cause you pain can be eliminated from your life completely. People who hurt and use you are not valuable in your world. Finding forgiveness for them is difficult and they don't deserve it anyway so letting them go and moving forward is the only way.

Love and forgive your three people (or more if you have them). Remember to choose number three wisely... 

Have a great week.

Love, Betsy

Glad to Grow Old

This is a post I ran across on my hard drive that I wrote in February of 2009. This was about a year and a half prior to my AIDS diagnosis. I enjoyed finding and reading it and decided to share it here. 
It's taken me a while to get back to this place in my head but it's been worth the trip.



I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life or my loving family for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so stylish on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the beautiful people. They, too, will grow old if they're lucky.

I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things anyway.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet must be put-to-sleep? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect and in love.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to see my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into the little lines on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their
skin could wrinkle or their hair could turn grey.

As one gets older, it seems like it gets easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I think I've earned the right to be wrong. It’s okay if I’m not perfect.

So, in a nutshell, I guess I’ll like growing old. It will set me free. I think I’ll finally like and accept myself as I am.

I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

I hope you'll enjoy your weekend... 

Love Betsy

A Fantastic Mood

So unusual for me. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, it's just that a really good mood, a fantastic amazingly good mood is pretty rare for me. Today, for some reason I woke up in such a great mood! It may have something to do with the fact that I put all this moving stuff away and negotiated a new lease with my landlord. You might say it's given me a new lease on life, knowing I have a home for the next year and feeling good about actually living to see the next year.
Since my diagnosis, I've been on a daily dose of Paxil. It's taken some time, but I feel the effects in that I don't feel the need to cry every day like I once did. Back before I was diagnosed I spent an inordinate amount of my time feeling so blue that the only thing that helped was crying by myself for hours every night. Often I would sit alone in my house in the silence and cry for a variety of reasons. Since then I have read much about the symptoms one experiences during the transition from HIV positive to full blown AIDS. One telltale symptom is crushing depression. I remember it lasting a long time before my body finally gave up and succumbed to Pneumocystis and Thrush.
Perhaps my good mood today is the result of the medicine, my current good health or maybe it's just the great weather. Whatever the reason, it's nice when life feels good and the future seems reachable. Not much to chit-chat about today... just needed to share my sunny outlook while it lasts.

Hope your day is great!

Betsy

Sitting Tight

Okay, so I looked at a super cute house for rent, just around the corner from my folks. The landlord wants a little more than I am able to pay and it just isn't worth it. Besides, the whole point of possibly moving was to save money, right? I'm hoping I can negotiate something with my current landlord to just sit tight where I am.

It's been almost two months since Vince has communicated with me in any way. I go over and over in my head, every day, trying to figure out what in the world I could have done to him that was so awful that he thinks I deserve to be treated this way. A friend isn't supposed to abandon you if things get difficult. A real friend will at least tell you that they need to separate from you because your situation is just too much for them to handle. Only the very shallowest of people cannot bring themselves to do that and are more comfortable just blowing you off, avoiding your calls, not responding to texts or emails and generally disregarding you as disposable. I never would have dreamed that Vince would handle things this way. I guess it just illustrates that you never really know how someone will react when AIDS becomes a factor. I can do nothing but move on with my life alone, the best way I know how.

Work has been giving me more than my share of stress. My dad used to say that a company takes on the personality of they person running it. If that's true, and I know it is, the company I work for is a real tool. Our boss needs to get off the coke and quit screwing (both figuratively and literally) his employees. Also, return the 10% wage cut we all took and be a little more positive in the attitude. Twelve million dollars a year in the current economy isn't bad when you only employ 60 people and own your property outright. Again... it is what it is and I need to stay employed and insured so moving forward in spite of the obstacles is the thing I must do. I am protecting myself in the situation because it is me that I need to look after.

My health is okay. Still hanging with 131 TCells, getting enough rest and slowly taking off some weight. If only I could motivate myself to do some real physical exercise. Perhaps I'll swim tonight.

It's lovely weather... let's enjoy it together.

Love Betsy