WTF is National HIV Testing Day???

Sorry, but tomorrow being "National HIV Testing Day" I need to grab and shake some people to get their attention. I’m so frustrated at the whole HIV/AIDS community and at society in general for what I perceive as apathy and denial. It seems we shoot ourselves in the foot before we even begin the march!

First: 

Where the hell are all these ridiculous public service messages about the dangers of tobacco coming from?? Who is paying for all this prime-time air time? And now I see PSA’s every day about Shingles, Pot-smoking, bullying, Autism, Diabetes…. etc. And in all the millions of dollars-worth of television airtime dedicated to PSA’s… nothing on the importance of testing or condom use. No information is offered anymore to the general public to help end stigma or promote testing, treatment or prevention. Why???

Second: 

ASO's and health organizations focus so strongly on the “at risk” populations that almost everyone else has been lulled into a sense of safety simply because it’s awkward to promote or encourage testing among populations perceived as “low-risk”. Aren’t we just fueling the stigma by focusing our efforts only at a certain population of people? Who will finally step out of the comfort zone and say what needs to be said to everyone? There are no “at-risk” populations? We are ALL at-risk!

Finally: 

How can there still be so many reasonably educated and otherwise intelligent people out there having unprotected sex and who are quick to say they are healthy and STD-free when, in fact, they have never been tested? How can they feel so secure? Most heterosexual people (of any color) who don’t live in “the hood” are completely unaware that National HIV Testing Day exists, let alone know it’s tomorrow. Worse yet, if they are made aware and WANT to be tested… and live someplace like Encino or Burbank or Toluca Lake… they will need to drive to West Hollywood or Compton to find a free test. Most have no idea that IF THEY ASK, their insurance (many are insured) will pay for the test.

So how can we have a National HIV Testing Day??? I contend that we can only measure the success of this day by the people we test who have NEVER been tested. Get testing beyond the gay community and the ghetto! Get HIV/AIDS into the faces of all those stupid, ignorant people who just assume they are safe because they are clean, white, heterosexual, over 50 or otherwise “low-risk”.

We should at least have as many PSA’s as the stupid secondhand-smoke zealots!!! My God!

Okay… Rant over.

Love to everyone… get tested… get educated

Betsy

"Why Don't They Call??"

So, a lot is happening in my life right now. 

My excuse for not blogging? Let’s put it this way: you know how parents complain that their kids never call unless they need money? Well that’s because most kids (using the term for anyone under 28) are too busy trying to overcome some mistake they’ve made and calling Mom or Dad to chat is rough unless you have some good news to offer. Blogging is like that for me.

Too frequently when there’s a lot of negative things happening in our lives, we tend to internalize those feelings of negativity because we only want the world to know of our successes, not our failures. Use Facebook as an example. Most people’s pages are chock-full of all the great, exciting and positive things they are doing, because after all, your friends don’t want to read about your ugly breakup, your teen daughter’s unplanned pregnancy, the three days you spent eating ice cream in a darkened room because you just found out your lover was cheating on you. Anyway… I digress. 

Several weeks ago my elderly mother fell at home and broke her hip. After surgery and some limited recovery, she has been placed in Hospice care at a nursing home. She just turned 81 but is not expected to live much longer. Over the past two years, she has suffered several small strokes, leaving her unable to speak coherently and with limited use of her right hand. I believe her to be perfectly lucid and completely aware but her inability to communicate has made her disagreeable and demanding. I know she is afraid and angry because she now has no control of her life. She is now completely dependent on others and is trapped in a body that no longer operates.
My step-dad visits her daily. They have been married for 43 years. I visit her as often as I can during the week and every Sunday. I always bring her a strawberry-banana smoothie which she eats lustily in silence. Every time I see her, she is a little tinier and a little more frail-looking and a little more… gone. I say a prayer each visit that she will be allowed to escape the prison of her useless body. It's a painful situation for us all.

Work continues to frustrate me but it is what it is and I need to try not to let it matter so much. It’s only a job and I have to accept the things I can’t change. I’ve discovered that boundaries and rules and circumstances which restrict me only make me struggle harder to circumvent the controls others put in place around me. In other words, the more you deny me or stand in my way, the harder I will try to find a way around you. I don't find much happiness when there are too many rules to restrict me.

I’ve decided to get my M1 license so that I can ride a motorcycle. I used to ride before there were restrictions and I’ve always enjoyed it but never taken the necessary steps to get my M1. This time next month, I will be able to rent bikes and begin the process of deciding what I want and how much riding I want to do. I’m very excited for the first time since leaving the hospital with my diagnosis. It really feels great to look forward to something again and I hope I meet lots of nice people at the Motorcycle Safety Program I signed up for. I’m hoping it starts a whole new phase of my life. Who knows, maybe I will finally start doing other things too. At least I’ll be trying something new.

More to come as my life progresses.

Love Betsy

How to Nix the "Ick"s

I did some thinking about a remark I made some months ago in my introductory entry. Someone pointed out that my remarks regarding my visceral reaction to HIV positive straight men were demeaning and that I, in my way, was stigmatizing them with my remarks. 

I decided that this person was absolutely right. 

So I am expanding my remark to eliminate that component by clarifying that I don’t find HIV positive straight men “icky” because they are HIV positive. The “ick” factor is triggered only by those men who lie and claim they were infected by a cheating girlfriend, a one-night-stand with a call-girl in Manila or some other very remote sexual contact with a woman. I believe these men to be untruthful and that is what I find “icky”. Liars turn me off.  

I want all heterosexual men to know that if they step out and experiment with other men, and don’t protect themselves, they need to own up to it and not deny it. And if there’s a man out there who was really infected through heterosexual contact with a woman… and can prove it to me… I’ll have to consider changing my thought process on the subject. Until then, guys, if you did it, just admit it. It doesn't make you less of a man.

So don’t get me wrong. I love men… all men… or at least all honest men. HIV positive or not.

Have a great weekend. 

Love Betsy

Angels on Loan from Heaven

I have been not-so-skillfully surfing the rough seas of depression these past weeks. The loss of my very best friend (for some reason that remains unexplained) has really put me off my game and cut into my heart. My moods swing between anger/hatred for how he is hurting me and acceptance/grief for the loss I feel. If you have someone… be sure to remember how lucky you are to have them.

I guess it’s not easy to be the friend of someone with HIV/AIDS. Some days I can hardly blame my best friend for abandoning me. He is healthy. He has many friends and dealing with them is fun, not painful. He has a new lady-friend who is not comfortable with me or my illness so I guess it was inevitable that he would move on. I cannot describe how much I miss him. Having someone to call when you are lonely or someone to hang out with, to laugh with, to cry with… is so important.

There is one speck of light in my life… his name is Charlie… he is my own personal angel.

I have had many dogs over the years. My step-dad is a successful veterinarian so I have enjoyed the benefits of caring for animals my whole life, but Charlie is special because he was just a wee puppy when I was diagnosed and he was the only pet I was able to keep when I came home from the hospital. For four months he was the sole reason I had to get up and move around. Today he is my sunshine and usually the only one who even tries to bring a smile to my face.

Charlie has Alopecia X, a mysterious loss of hair fairly common among pure bred Pomeranians. Currently there is no known cause or cure (hence the “X”). When he was an adolescent he lost the hair on his chest and belly… exposing his cute black nipples… since boy-dogs don’t need them, they’re perfectly flush and look like they’ve been drawn on with a Sharpie. I started him on medication for a thyroid imbalance and the hair on his chest finally returned but this year he has lost much of the hair around his neck and back and all of the hair from his fanny so from the rear he resembles a baboon wearing furry boots. He doesn’t seem to mind the cosmetic imperfection and I think he's perfect anyway.

In my travels around the web and various blogs very much like mine… created for the sole purpose of flushing negative thoughts in the hope of helping others as well as ourselves… I find that pets seem to be foremost in the maintenance of our sanity and a common thread we all share, the desire to care for someone. Having that unconditional love is magical beyond description. I thank the universe every day for lending me the angel I named Charlie. I can’t imagine a life without him. He is truly my very best friend now.

Hopefully I’ll find a way to force myself out and eventually make a new friend, maybe. I have a tendency to isolate myself. I haven’t been able to figure out why and my motivation toward changing it is just not there yet.
Trusting someone again may not come easily.

I will try to post more photos etc. since they add more visual effect.
Great weather today and this weekend, I'm going to try to get outdoors, that always seems to improve my mood.

Happy Easter Everyone!
Love Betsy

Numbers... A Necessary Evil

So here it is the 4th of April. I've had my appointment for months, did my blood draw two weeks ago and had planned the half-hour drive to my doctors office for lunchtime to minimize my time away from work and still they are going to ask me to reschedule my appointment because of our company-wide inventory and the bank auditors' visit today.
It's as if I do something so important here that they cannot manage a simple audit for an hour while I keep my Dr's appointment. Pathetic. Worse still, the boys upstairs couldn't be bothered to discuss this with me personally, they had to hassle my supervisor to call me at home last night to tell me they want me here for the bank today. All I can do is call my doctor and ask if I can show up a little late.

Later:
Well I made it through the audit with the bank and even to the doctor with time to spare. Numbers on inventory were good... very little discrepancy and it went as smoothly as it could have. Best of all... it's finally over and we can get back to work.


My own numbers are less encouraging. I have only 129 CD4 cells but my viral load is still undetectable and I feel pretty good. My doctor is less than thrilled with my weight loss efforts, but at least I haven't gained anything back. He is still unhappy with my cholesterol numbers but I am not as concerned as he is... no history of heart problems in my family and I think one of my ARV's causes my bad cholesterol to go up. He danced around the idea of swapping my Niaspan for a statin-medication but said he might have to switch one of my AIDS drugs to avoid any interaction. I told him I'd rather give the Niaspan a little more time. So next blood draw, I'll be ready to starve for a day, have a shot of wine the day before and hope the numbers improve.


Tomorrow I'll finally make the long-overdue-appointment for my Mammogram.


Till the next time,
Love, Betsy

Time for Labs again...

Ok, so it’s time for numbers again. I’m seeing my HIV doctor on the 4th of April so tomorrow I have to fast and have my blood drawn. I’m going to fast because I need my cholesterol number to look better so he won’t harp on me about it. Not that I mind, I just hate having to make excuses and look like I’m not working on it. I am working on it. I know I’m overweight… I have been all my life and even after my bout with PCP and my coma… the weight came back really easily. I’m not sure who is responsible for how this works but I think it’s only fair that we should be able to lose fat as easily as we put it on, don’t you? I mean, don’t we have enough to contend with in our daily lives without having to worry over our weight?

Anyway, I’m hoping that my CD4 count is higher than 131 and that my viral load has remained undetectable. I’ve been working pretty hard lately and am kind of surprised that my health has been as good as it has. With a CD4 count of less than 200, I would expect that getting sick would be kind of a given. Having no immune system to speak of has made me more careful about washing and coming into contact with others who are sick. Considering my job and the environment that I work every day in, this is no small feat. I am constantly handling filthy equipment and am in almost constant contact with several dozen people who come to work ill because they have no paid sick leave left. Personally I think three days of sick leave a year is far from adequate for even the healthiest of folks.

I’ll be sure to post my numbers here when I get them. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

Have a great week.

Love,

Betsy

Three People

The way I see it, there are three people who you must love and forgive, no matter what. This is not to say that you allow yourself to be hurt by them, but only that you forgive and love them unconditionally, no matter what their choices. It is essential to your continued good karma and peace of mind to never harbor ill feelings or intent toward these people.

The first is your parent. Your mother or father, step or foster. Hating or resenting a parent will only bring pain to your life and to the lives of those around you. You may hate what they did, what they do, how they act or who they are… but you must forgive and love them nonetheless because they are the only people who must also love you unconditionally. They must be there for you, no matter what your decisions are.

The second is your child; for all the reasons stated above.

The last is the only one you choose for yourself. It is the person you create a child with. You may fall out of love with them. They may cheat, break your heart and leave you destroyed. But because of the relationship your beloved child needs to maintain with them, you must look beyond yourself and understand that nothing good can come of your resentment for them. Forgiveness and acceptance is the only thing that can finally set you free. You will be able to be a better parent to your child and a better friend to those you truly value. Most important, you will never have to feel so hurt because of that person again. No one should think it's easy to do… but that is all the more reason to look carefully at the person you decide to have children with. That is a person that you must always love and respect for the sake of your child. A child must face united parents in order to grow up well-adjusted, emotionally healthy and able to parent a child him/herself. Parents need not be in love with each other, but they must recognize and share a united love for their child that transcends all things.

All others who cause you pain can be eliminated from your life completely. People who hurt and use you are not valuable in your world. Finding forgiveness for them is difficult and they don't deserve it anyway so letting them go and moving forward is the only way.

Love and forgive your three people (or more if you have them). Remember to choose number three wisely... 

Have a great week.

Love, Betsy